Hey Diddle Potter or Til the Cows Come Home
by EvylNabikula
Summary: Harry and Spiderman and Frodo! Oh, my! Plus: Showdown of the Mary-Sues! PG-13 because this one is my most violent.


Things I don't own; 1) H.P. Characters 2) Spiderman 3) L.O.T.R. Characters 4) Nearly enough money.  
  
Things I did not write this story for. 1) Money 2) Recognition 3) To be taken seriously (I think that one's obvious) 4) To be sued.  
  
Dedicated to my sister who likes this one the best.  
  
Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players unskillfully present: Hey Diddle Potter.  
  
::Fred and George come out onstage::  
  
Narrator::crying:: "Oh no! Not another one!"  
  
Fred: "Wow! It looks like you can't get enough of Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Plays!"  
  
Guy: "We're trapped, you imbecile! We have been since 'Little Red Riding Hermione'"  
  
Heckler: "I'm so hungry."  
  
George: "I thought he only sounded mildly obnoxious."  
  
Fred::looks at George:: "We better get it started then."  
  
Narrator::stomping her feet:: "I don't wanna' I don't wanna I don't wanna!"  
  
George::in a sing-song voice:: "We got the ke-eys!"  
  
Narrator::stops tantrum:: "Fine!" ::pouts::  
  
::Fred and George leave the stage::  
  
Narrator::looks down at the script with tears in her eyes and in a wavery voice reads:: "Fractured Fairytales Fingerpuppet Players sorrowfully.*very* sorrowfully present Hey Diddle Potter"  
  
::curtains open to reveal a classroom set on stage::  
  
McGonagall: "And that class is how you turn Super Bowl tickets into an income."  
  
Guy: "They're in the dungeon again!"  
  
McGonagall: "No. We don't hold Transfiguration Lessons in the dungeon."  
  
Guy: "Yes! You are! Look! Manacles! Iron Maiden! Bars on the window! DUNGEON!"  
  
McGonagall::turns Guy into a cow:: "And that, class, is how you take care of headaches."  
  
Mary-Sue: "I could have turned him into a better cow."  
  
McGonagall: "Next, we will be turning plates into spoons."  
  
::That class tries to do so. Most only manage plates with handles:::  
  
::Hermione beams as she turns her plate into a plastic spoon::  
  
::Mary-Sue turns her plate into an iron spoon::  
  
::Hermione, irritated, grabs Ron's plate(not like that you perverts) and turns it into a brass spoon::  
  
::Mary-Sue smiles smugly as she turns Seamus's plate into a spoon of pure gold::  
  
::Hermione grumbles as she turns Harry's plate into a bulldozer. She runs over Mary-Sue with it:: "I win."  
  
McGonagall::to Neville:: "I think you're going the wrong way about this."  
  
Neville: "No! Wait! I think I'm getting the hang of it!"  
  
McGonagall: "You've just given your plate arms and legs!"  
  
Fred::to George:: "I wonder what would happen if you took her hair down?"  
  
::George shrugs and pulls down McGonagal's hair as she walks by::  
  
McGonagal::immediately starts giggling. She runs around the room with her arms held straight out to her sides:: "I'm an airplane! Wheeeee!"  
  
::Parvati is so astonished she accidentally turns her plate into a moon::  
  
Spiderman::walks onstage and looks around:: "Wait a minute.This is the Easter Egg on the X-Men DVD!"  
  
McGonagal: "Dance, children! Dance!"::She turns into a tabby and grabs a fiddle from nowhere and plays 'The Devil Went Down To Georgia.'"  
  
Narrator: "Uuuuh..Right." ::Looks down at her script:: "Hold on! I don't have any lines! Thank the random fluctioation of the space-time continuum!" ::starts gnawing on a leg::  
  
Spiderman: "..Do you ride the short bus to school?"  
  
Neville: "We don't ride buses to school. We ride the train."  
  
Spiderman: "Er.I don't care."  
  
Neville: "I eat glue!"  
  
::Spiderman stares silently at him::  
  
Harry: "Hey! How come my name's in the title to this thing and I don't show up until.er.right now?"  
  
SpyOfNabiki::shrugs:: "Who knows why I wrote any of this?"  
  
Harry: "You need a life." ::turns to Mysterious Foreign Exchange Student:: "What's your name anyway?"  
  
M.F.E.S.::takes off their mask:: "I'm Frodo Baggins!..Er, wait. I mean.Mr. Underhill."  
  
Harry::slowly:: "I've heard of you.Aren't you the guy that finds out you have a ring that will be the downfall of everything you hold dear and you don't let anyone else take the fall for you?"  
  
Frodo: "Aren't you guy that goes to a school where everyone who wants you dead knows where you sleep and you still don't drop out?"  
  
Spiderman: "Aren't I the guy in tights that rakes in more cash than either of you?"  
  
(Note from the author: I believe that Spiderman is actually second to Harry in that aspect but I still find it humorous that a grown man in bright red spandex can move so much merchandise.)  
  
Harry::incredulous:: "How could you? Your enemies are lamer than this guy's!"  
  
Frodo: "Oh, ho! This coming from Mr. I'm-afraid-of-a-headache!"  
  
Harry: "Hey! Those are caused by Voldemort! He kills people!"  
  
Spiderman: "Oh cry us a big, fat river! Jeez, no wonder you don't have you own comic book series."  
  
::The Weasley's Ford Anglia flies into the room, hitting Spiderman::  
  
Spiderman: "Spider.senses.tingling." ::he passes out::  
  
Frodo: "That reminds me of something that happened to my great, great, great, great, great.um.great to the power of 35 uncle."  
  
Harry: "I still don't get the big deal about Suaron. It's not like he even did anything but stare every now and then."  
  
Frodo: "Like Voldemort's so scary? He's been defeated by you 4 times. Sounds like a wuss to me."  
  
Draco:: picks up a cell phone:: "Let's see shall we? 1-800-4-SAURON" ::He waits for an answer::  
  
Frodo::stares blankly at Draco:: "Middle Earth doesn't have phones."  
  
Draco: "I'd like to speak with Sauron please..Draco Malfoy.Er."::looks at Frodo:: "Are you a .'hobbit'?"  
  
Frodo: "What do you think?!"  
  
Draco: "Umm..Yeah, sure he's a hobbit.Hold? Do you know who you're speaking to?.Oh.You do?.Okay, I guess I'll hold."  
  
Narrator::finally done with one leg:: "Gotta' get outta' here. Gotta' get outta' here." ::she starts gnawing on her other leg::  
  
Guy: "Moo"  
  
Draco::hums along with the hold music which is "Rhinestone Cowboy":: ."Like a Rhinestone.Sauron! I've found that hobbit guy with the ring.Curly hair.Huge feet.Yeah, all the girls are drooling over him.Yeah.Hogwarts.England.Earth.No, no.Just Earth.Yeah.Okay!" ::he hangs up:: "He's on his way."  
  
Frodo: "Aww crap! Now I have to hide." ::He puts on the one ring::  
  
Ron: "I think your ring is broken.I can see you behind that desk."  
  
Frodo::from behind that desk:: "No you can't. I'm invisible."  
  
Crocodile Hunter::walks in and ducks behind a desk He whispers loudly to the audience:: "I've just found a Halfling. And crikey! Is it a beaut! Now halflings, which are also known as Hobbits, have only one nat'ral enemy. Orcs. Let's watch!"  
  
::Orcs run onstage and drag Frodo off so that they are only visible to those onstage::  
  
::From offstage, a thud and orcs laughing can be heard::  
  
Hermione:: wincing:: "Ooo. That doesn't look comfortable."  
  
::Offstage: Crunches and Frodo yelping::  
  
Neville: "Doesn't look like he'll be using that again."  
  
::Offstage: A wet smack and a blood curdling scream::  
  
Colin::taking pictures:: "I don't have to take that Magical Creatures Dissection course now!"  
  
Crabbe and Goyle: "Wow! They're gooood!"  
  
Fred::sniffing:: "Does anyone else smell that?"  
  
George: "Smells like hamburgers."  
  
Ginny: "Hey.Wasn't that one guy.?"  
  
Ron: "Ewww! Now that's disturbing!"  
  
Heckler::through a full mouth:: "What? It's not like he's still human!"  
  
Narrator::dragging herself towards the door:: "Al.most.there." ::Passes out two inches from the door due to lack of blood::  
  
SpyOfNabiki: "It looks like its time to end this before it gets too morbid."  
  
Voldemort: "Its too late for that." ::He is struck by a meteor:: 


End file.
